In Alanon, I became aware that I am what I call a fix-a-holic. I love trying to fix other people's stuff and actually, it became my career path as a massage therapist. Until, that is, I injured my arm while trying to fix the back of a traveling cheese salesman while back in Indiana. Ahh, the irony. I realized he was unwilling to make the necessary changes in his life needed to relieve his back pain like losing weight, reducing the cheese intake, and adding in exercise to counterbalance all the hours he clocked behind the wheel. In the meantime, I had completely depleted myself, trying to fix him and others; pretty much the definition of codependency.
I was forced to focus on my own health. I learned about gut imbalances and eliminated foods that were causing inflammation, like gluten, sugar, alcohol, etc. Fairly quickly, my energy, memory, and mood started to improve. I even changed career paths and became a health coach because I figured people would find value in this information and would feel more empowered when it came to their own health.
The more time I spent in Al-Anon meetings, the more I realized it was not my role to heal other people or fix their problems. This desire was actually part of my own imbalance. I walk alongside them as support on their own healing journey and I could be a reference when asked, but I could not actually do the healing for them. That would be like a basketball coach getting out on the court to shoot for one of his players. That would be weird, right?
When a difficult situation arises, one thing that is encouraged during the Alanon meetings, is to use the phone list of the group members. It can be very helpful to talk through different scenarios with somebody who is not emotionally invested and also understands the complexities of our codependent tendencies.
One call in particular, stands out to me. I called a friend in the group to share an upsetting exchange with a family member. After quietly listening to my experience, she said “It sounds like you’re trying to spin someone else’s hula hoop.” If I remember, I was upset because I had extended an invitation to someone through text and I received complete radio silence. I responded to her observation, “Hmmm, I think I need more information, I am not following.“
She explained that she imagines that everyone is walking around with a hula hoop around them. This is their “stuff”. This might be their health issues, their marital problems, their dynamic with other friends, etc. It could also be how they react to an uncomfortable exchange or how they respond to invitations. Sometimes we like to try to spin someone else’s hula hoop, a.k.a. fix their stuff. We want them to change the way they eat, stop them from letting their spouse walk all over them, or want them to respond a certain way to invitations. Basically, we believe we have the answer to all of their problems. In the past, I felt like, I was being helpful with these solutions. What I didn't fully realize at the time was I was actually avoiding looking at my own issues by focussing on theirs. I was trying to get out on the court and take their free throw shot for them.
Now, I can’t help but imagine everybody walking around trying to keep their hula hoops spinning while I periodically reach over my own wobbly hula hoop, and try to spin someone else’s. Quite an awkward image. When I reflected on this more, I realized I was oftentimes trying to spin my children's, my husband's, my friends' and family's hula hoops. For me, there was a power in this position. It helped me feel valuable. What I didn't realize until later, I was actually robbing them of their own twisty turny journey through life. Now, I try to pause and ask myself, is this my hula hoop? If it doesn't directly involve me or the goal is to get someone else to change their behavior, then usually it is not my hula hoop.
This is a hard habit to break! The practice for me is only offering advice or help when somebody has communicated that to me they are interested in my perspective or need my assistance. Awareness is an important step. Then lots and lots of grace and self compassion. There is no perfect down this road.
Question: Do you find the imagery of hula hoops helpful? Do you find yourself trying to spin other people's hula hoops by trying to change their behavior or with unsolicit advice? What are your signs that you might be?